Mind block. That is how I would describe how I am feeling. I have tried to start my philosophy assignment for about tan hour now and all I have managed to accomplish is turn on Pandora to the iron and wine station and soak my soul with them and leave a comment for my aunt. Why am I like this? The sun! Today and yesterday I was at the pool for four hours… straight. I love the pool and now thanks to the sun I am tan. But still… it is exhausting.
There is something about being exhausted and tired that I love. I usually never say this because I am never excited when I am tired. It is a time to retreat, think, and to just daze. It is kind of nice.
It is funny as I write this and say that I am in a mind block, my mind triggers the on button, and goes directly to what I view as most important. Missions.
Without even thinking of something, my mind directly went there. Crazy. Recently I have been viewing everything in terms of development. I truly feel God has blessed me to have the strength of development, not only in people, but in communities. Growth, sustainability, and light are all common themes I have been thinking about.
Through the last two years I have seriously gone through so many ideas and things I would like to do with my life. It is not about that though. It is about what can bring God the most glory. I am so thankful God has shown me the road to international development, and even development right here in the United States. It is the one thing that gets me excited, makes me want to cry, makes my heart break for what breaks Gods, and makes me filled with joy… all at the same time.
It is crazy. Development truly is empowering someone to realize who they are and that every person is created in the image of God while coming along their physical, social, physiological, and emotional needs. Where I fit into that? I do not know. I am just a vessel for God. Just one person to help advance His kingdom. I am open.
A few weeks ago I watched “Turtles can Fly” which is an extremely depressing movie. I would highly advise someone to not have a movie night and watch the movie, like I did. It is film set in a Kurdish refugee camp on the Iraqi-Turkish border on the eve of the US invasion of Iraq. It is heart wrenching.
Daily I hear about stories of events that are happening around the world and see it as horrible. The more I read about the news, the more I know that Jesus is alive and that He is the answer. Before I started to watch the movie I was excited to see what it looks like to live in a Refugee camp. I knew it was disempowering, depressing, lonely, a hard life, a place of anger and disparity. When I view things like this, it is natural for me to see the light in the situation. What if I lived there? I was so depressed after I watched the movie. My heart felt hopeless. Suicide, depression, families broken apart, and darkness were common themes throughout the movie.
Throughout the last semester God has really been speaking to me and opening doors with learning about Refugees. By the end of the movie I really felt like I could not work in a Refugee camp alone. Surprise Surprise… coming from Ms. Independent. I don’t think it would be possible. I know if God sent me to work alone he would also bless me.
This thought went through my head for the first time… “Wait a minute, I don’t actually want to do it alone.” Shocker. Working in poor countries is rough, scary, and sometimes dark. It can be lonely and discouraging. It can also be a place of hope, light, and joy.
I don’t know God’s plan for my life. But I do know one thing. My time as a single lady is to be fruitful and grow in the Lord. I am not anxious. I am content. I know God has me on an adventure that I am very curious about.
I am so glad God is God and I am not. That’s all I got to say.
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